If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I met the friendliest cop last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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