Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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