hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize