I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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