I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
