I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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