Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
