There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize