My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize