I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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