Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
