I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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