I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
