I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
