So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize