I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize