she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
