She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize