i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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