Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
