I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
