Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
