the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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