I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize