I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize