I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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