I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
