I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Your penis caused this!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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