Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Randomize
