getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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