my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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