the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
