woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
