I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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