Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
