fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
