wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
