i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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