I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
