u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
