stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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