I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
