So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
