Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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