I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
