I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
