i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
