you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
