You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
