remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We smell like vodka and hangover
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
