i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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