moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
