I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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