Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
